How Regret and Rage Spark the Desire for Achievement and Validation
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on a lot of things. It started this morning when I saw a post from someone, and it was all about their accolades—degrees, certifications, honors. And for some reason, it hit me harder than I expected. I felt this rush of emotions: regret, a deep tinge of spite, and, strangely enough, hope.
I can’t lie. The regret is the most immediate feeling. It’s that gnawing reminder that I’ve had opportunities—real opportunities—that I didn’t fully seize. And it’s hard to even admit that to myself because I know deep down that those moments slipped away because of one thing: anxiety. Plain and simple. Anxiety that I didn’t know how to manage. Anxiety that prevented me from taking risks, from stepping up when I should have. And looking back, I feel like I squandered something important. Those opportunities were there, but I wasn’t ready to take them on.
The spite comes right on its heels. Spite is not a word I use lightly, but that’s the emotion I felt. Rage at myself. Why didn’t I just push through the anxiety? Why didn’t I trust myself more? Why did I let fear decide my actions? That’s the hard part. Knowing you have done something but chose not to—because of things that felt bigger than they really were. I look at those moments now and wonder why I didn’t just go for it, despite how scared I was.
But here’s the thing about spite: as powerful as it is, it’s not enough to move you forward. It’s a fire that burns inside, but it needs to be channeled in a direction that’s positive. If I just sat in that rage, I’d be stuck. I wouldn’t be moving forward at all. But that’s where hope comes in.
Hope, strangely enough, is the thing that balances out the spite. And that’s what has kept me from getting bogged down in regret. Despite everything, there’s hope. Hope that I can still do something significant in my life. Maybe it won’t be the traditional path. Perhaps I won’t get a master’s degree, or follow the steps others expect of me. But there are still things I can achieve, things I can be proud of. Whether it’s an MBA, a certification in AWS, or whatever I end up pursuing, the point is that I can still reach for something big.
What matters most is that I want to do it on my own terms. I don’t want to chase someone else’s definition of success. I want to build something that I can be proud of, something that aligns with my values. And I want to prove to myself, not anyone else, that I can achieve something high-level. It won’t be easy, but I’m okay with that.
Right now, I’ve got to get my current situation in order—jobs, health, priorities—but once I get my footing back, I know I can push forward. The future is still in my hands, and I’ll keep moving toward those goals, slowly but surely.
At the end of the day, it’s not about others’ validation. It’s about finding that deep sense of accomplishment in knowing I did it my way, and I did it right.
For more on this journey, check out the full version of this post on Medium.